There can be a lot of stress surrounding the holidays:
· Battling the crowds to find the perfect gift, then facing the credit card bills in January.
· Writing whimsical letters trying to make your life sound interesting and exciting.
· Slaving long hours in the kitchen turning out confectionary delights.
· Keeping the reindeer antlers from falling off your car.
· Stringing up the most lavish light extravaganza in the neighborhood, while avoiding electrocution.
· Not to mention the family dynamics . . . it can wear you out.
Holidays are a bedrock for familial drama. For whatever reason, this time of year with its visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads, also plumbs the depths of our psyches dredging up all sorts of unresolved stuff to look at.
This is the season where families reconvene and often old childhood patterns return, no matter what your age. The long held resentment you've had towards your sister who was the pretty one, or your bullying older brother could rear its ugly head regardless of the amount of time that has passed . Sibling rivalry, family secrets and old hurts seem to creep out of the closet. Even after countless hours on the therapy couch , memories of yesteryear may come knocking on your door, just like they did for Ebenezer Scrooge.
So how can you prepare? Ignore the holidays? Disown the relatives? Retreat to a remote island? All viable options, but usually not very practical. This year, try being easy on yourself first and foremost. Don't put additional demands to be the best or first in all the holiday folderol. Often it is our old desire of trying to please that causes tensions in situations that should be pleasant and fun.
Try a more laid back approach in 2011 and just chill out. If the presents don't get wrapped or even bought, it's not the end of the world. After all, what do we really need anyway? Try taking that extra time to connect with a neighbor, relative, your partner or kids and have a great conversation; a genuine connection, not one where you're distracted by your long "to do" list. With fewer expectations, it will allow more time and space to take care of yourself and better handle those recollections or uncomfortable encounters that may arise.
Find happy memories to share- they are there, they just aren't as obvious as the more traumatic ones. Instead of having anxiety over the family dinner and the chaos that can ensue, make it pot luck and have everyone relate a special story from the past to represent their dish. This alleviates the work falling on one person to "perform" and allows everyone to be a part of the preparation. People aren't as apt to fall into their old familiar behaviors when there is something new, and hopefully the stories shared will put the emphasis on pleasant times that have passed.
If you've had pain in your life around the holidays, such as a death or divorce it can certainly dampen the spirit. After my divorce and then the death of my mother during December, the entire season was a time I dreaded. It signified loss for me. I put on a game face over the years for the kids, but my heart wasn't in it. Finally after many years of playing Grinch, I decided I needed to change tradition. In the past on Christmas Eve our family would open presents and have a party with relatives. To help fill that void, I started inviting people I knew would be alone, for a celebration. This began making a new circle of family, one that didn't need to be blood to belong. Start traditions of your own that will signify new beginnings . It doesn't take away the hurt, but lessens it by creating a positive event to build fresh memories.
Lastly, don't lose sight of what you're celebrating. Regardless of your religious beliefs, this is a time for friends and family to experience peace and joy. Whether you're lighting Hanukah candles or hanging stockings, give yourself a gift; take the pressure off and enjoy the holidays. After all, you have the rest of the year to deal with the Ghosts of Christmas Past and any of the other issues that may crop up during this joyous season.
Becky Arrington guides individuals and businesses to discover their purpose and live authentically. Whether you’re a company looking for innovative ways to lead and engage employees or an individual trying to prioritize, reduce stress or decide what you want to be when you grow up, learning to accept and thrive in change is key. www.channelforchange.com
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