Breaking Up is Hard to Do...Cutting the Ties that Bind

Nobody likes a break-up whether it be a romantic relationship, job change or the demise of a friendship. Coming to the conclusion you’re no longer compatible often takes weeks, months or even years of agonizing scrutiny to determine a change is in order.

Once the decision has been made it may take equally as long to muster up the courage to break things off or to quit. In your dreams after you tell your scorned lover, friend or your boss the news, you could make a dramatic gesture of turning on your heels and leaving, possibly even slamming the door for effect. But in the real world there’s the business of cleaning out the office, signing papers or sifting through the collection of personal belongings scattered between people. Not to mention the emotional fallout that accompanies the process both personally and with the other person’s reaction. Difficult stuff for all parties to endure.

After the separation and clean-up is complete, many people still feel attached and find it difficult to stop thinking about the other person or the job. Sure, habit causes part of that and it’s important to change what you do in a day, but most likely you are still attached  via emotional chords. You can separate, vow not to text, phone or communicate, yet still feel the pull of the other person or even to the place of business where you worked.

These connectors are not visible to the naked eye, they exist in the space between you and the other person or even location. Usually we ignore that which we can’t see. But if you are in a situation where earlier relationships are plaguing you, or can’t quite let the attachments to the past go, cutting the ties that bind you might be the answer.

 It is important to remember that cutting the emotional chords comes after you have spent time in the grief cycle.  Understanding the roles of all involved, recognizing the lessons and the gifts as well as processing the loss is all part of that cycle. Once those steps are complete and you’re truly ready to let go, there’s no better way than severing the relationship on all levels; mental, physical, emotional , spiritual and energetic.

If these words resonate with you as something you might be interested in pursuing, whether it be in understanding and processing the situation then moving forwards or in cutting the ties, contact Becky Arrington to discuss the next steps in breaking free of your binding emotional attachments. Breaking up really isn’t so hard to do, once you know to do it on all levels.

Becky Arrington guides individuals and businesses to discover their purpose and live authentically. Whether you’re a company searching for innovative ways to lead and engage employees or an individual trying to prioritize, reduce stress or decide what you want to be when you grow up, learning to accept and thrive in change is key. www.channelforchange.com

Inanely Irreverent ...I Just Can't Help Myself

I have a streak of irreverence. I’ve had it all my life. In the sixth grade one of my classmates was hurt when a piano fell on him. It was a serious injury and our teacher, who was also the principal, had to accompany him to the hospital. It was “record day” when we brought in our 45s to play music for the first half hour of class. Left to our own devices, with only the custodian occasionally glancing our way, I led the charge to push the desks back and have an all out dance party. I mean of all days for the piano to fall on Larry…it had to be record day! Yeah I know, it’s kind of sick, but I really didn’t mean any disrespect, I was just more focused on the opportunity at hand and the absurdity of the circumstances.

It was this same personality trait that got me in trouble with teachers as well as religious and community leaders in my small Midwestern town. I joined Jobe’s Daughters primarily to attend the VFW Dance afterwards next door. My toe tapping to the rock music pulsing through the walls was frowned upon during vespers.  As was my bursting out laughing in serious instances such as being reprimanded in the principal’s office, during graduation and at my sorority initiation. Some people cry, I seem to laugh by finding something oddly funny with the situation, and then I can’t help myself.

This type of cheekiness not only makes me laugh at inappropriate times, but makes me say inane comments when I should be serious and draws me to quirky, offbeat things. We have a collection of fez bedecked monkeys residing next to a diarama of Day of the Dead Elvis in our home. Not your average "Better Homes and Garden" style of decorating.

Fortunately I married a man who shares my bizarre take on art, décor and general inappropriateness.  Our selections in movies or plays runs far afield from musicals and lighthearted rom coms to the edgier side of the theatre. That propensity for dark humor found the ultimate in an art film we saw this weekend called “Killer Joe.”  According to the billing it is a “totally twisted, deep-fried, Texas redneck, Billy Friedkin-directed, NC-17 rated, trailer park murder story masterpiece. Starring Matthew Mcconaughey, it just might be the best performance he has ever given and certainly a change from some of his past roles such as “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” or “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.”

Coming out of the theatre we were both stunned by the emotional roller coaster we had just experienced with the violence and plot twists, yet were laughing hysterically due to the dark humor. Thankful to have each other to share both the event and the discussion afterwards, we realized this wasn’t a film for everyone. Our list of people we thought would appreciate and share our perverse taste in the premise and comedy was very short.

As I mentioned, this impertinence has always been with me. But at least being irreverent isn’t illegal. Although it isn’t something I readily communicate to others. I like to let people get to know me first before I unveil my darker, more derisive side. Do you have a secret quirk or trait you don’t share with everyone on your friend list? If so…perhaps we should be friends! I may lose a few after they read this blog post and understand the “real me.”

Becky Arrington guides individuals and businesses to discover their purpose and live authentically. Whether you’re a company looking for innovative ways to lead and engage employees or an individual trying to prioritize, reduce stress or decide what you want to be when you grow up, learning to accept and thrive in change is key. Visit her web site at www.channelforchange.com .

There's No Magic Eight Ball for Parenting

As I see photos of excited school children on the pages of Facebook with new back packs and spiffy clothing, nostalgia kicks in as I remember my own kids at that age and relive the anxiousness all parents feel as they send them out into the world. How I wish our trusty magic Eight Ball could have assured me they would be ok or how their lives would turn out. But instead inane answers like “the future is undecided” or “ask again later” would continuously pop up, no matter how many times I would shake it.

Those school days fly by so quickly. Kids grow up, and it’s bittersweet to watch as they learn their lessons in life.  When my children were living at home I found it difficult yet doable to allow them to make their own mistakes. In the third grade I decided to teach my son the importance of doing his homework. I had observed so many parents slaving over their teen’s schoolwork in Junior High, when not turning in a paper held more dire consequences. I figured I would let him slide when he was younger to have the experience when there was not so much at stake. True to form he neglected to hand in some assignments and the results were poor grades. It was a valuable lesson and he quickly understood the necessity of keeping up with daily work, resulting in my not having to nag him to do homework later.

Allowing children to fail is pretty simple cause and effect, but how do you help them when they’re adults  and their decisions are outside your realm or the results can be life altering?  As parents we can still have a degree of influence, but ultimately it is their life and they have to steer it. I am sure I am not the only person with adult children who toss and turn at night worrying if they will be happy, find the job they want, make the right decision when the going gets tough, have enough money to pay their bills, have a healthy relationship, eat on a regular basis, etc. But in essence the only thing we can do is what I did when they were younger-let them make their own mistakes and be there as support if they fall.

Paving the way and making things easier does not teach your offspring the lessons they need to learn. No, you may not be able to directly tell them what to do or protect them from harm, but you can take peace in knowing you gave all you could and did the best job possible to make them into the people they are today-honest, loving, integral adults. And that is saying something.

If you’re an empty nester, even though you aren’t sending anyone off to the school bus this year, know that your years of patience and hard work is still having an effect on the children you raised.  And if that is not enough solace, you can always dig out and consult the Eight Ball for guidance. Receiving answers such as “it is decidedly so” and “the outlook is good” can certainly help your attitude on life and maybe even ease your worries as a parent.

Becky Arrington guides individuals and businesses to discover their purpose and live authentically. Whether you’re a company looking for innovative ways to lead and engage employees or an individual trying to prioritize, reduce stress or decide what you want to be when you grow up, learning to accept and thrive in change is key. Visit www.channelforchange.com for more information.